As I Lay Dying - Falling

  As I Lay Dying - Falling (with Apologies to William Faulkner)

“That’s one of the perks of being dead: you know what happens after you die—and you know the meaning of life.”

-Nathaniel Sr., Six Feet Under, Season 1 Episode 6 (Jenkins)

 

2Lt Candise C. Woods, MDiv

10 Sep 1985 – 13 Feb 2020

 

I’m not a woman, I’m not a man, I am something that you’ll never understand 

– Prince I Would Die 4 U (Prince) 

Falling

Spinning. Spinning out like an out-of-control plane descending through the sky. My mind was mass producing pathways of survival to which each one felt like a steel door sealing shut as swiftly as I approached. I remember moving into my home, one backed up against a small stream and trees. Turns out there were mice in my new home who preferred this house to the grove. As I chased them out one by one, it was only as I blocked entry and exit points that I began to see the decrease of and eventual absence of their presence. Eventually, the boundaries stood permanent and there was no way they’d get clearance in again. For me spiraling toward (only goddess knows where) the problem was I was trying to escape from my life or out of the body and it felt like there was no way away from the traumatic predicaments life had presented me up to my mid-30s. 

As a particular Trans* Gender Nonconforming (TGNC) human, I have no deadname. My given name was Candise (it means Queen), and I was raised and socialized as the [Black] woman pictured above. During her/my internalized mental descent in early February of 2020, I felt confined and left to a suffering I was exhausted from and then avoidant of. Candise was freshly discharged from a recent psychiatric hold from the Veteran’s Administration hospital coming off a workman’s comp case, and yet it was upon discharge where she received the first emotional recoil. It would be three months until they could get me in for an initial behavioral health evaluation, something I’d been screaming for the last decade– thus my lifeline to immediate first aid extinguished, yet again. I was trapped in a life I no longer found manageable or livable.

My Apologies

So, my apologies to William Faulkner, I was supposed to read your book, As I Lay Dying, for AP English one summer in High School, but I was so stressed out surviving, I don’t know how I passed that class. On February 5, 2020, I didn’t know I would be compelled to pull the plug and call this quits but a part of me did and would try a week later. On February 13th, As I lay dying (with apologies to William Faulkner) the thoughts fluttered quickly beyond me. As I lay, spiritually dying, it began to occur to me I would soon be a ghost, for I didn’t know what was to come but this felt (un)finished, this life, despite my reluctance to want to be near it anymore.

         

The Why

    Why am I sharing this and these deeply personal details of my life? It is for me and for others. For me, I am (re)mapping memories of my Journey into Recovery from trauma. Recalling the journey for me helps me validate how far I’ve come and allows for the layout of the graphical mechanics of the process of this unwanted plunge into awakenings. Here, the fall is necessary, despite not wanting to, but one’s worldview as they know it is shattering and that makes identity feel deeply insecure and combustible. I share this for others so those who need to know and be reminded that they are not alone in their identities, thoughts, and experiences with mental and spiritual wellness and integrity. Like physical health, it needs to be witnessed and responded to, not avoided or neglected as if it doesn’t exist or impact our overall health and spirit. 

         Sharing authentically is part of my truth and learning how to trust myself with the parts of me that got me here and the parts of me that choose to keep us going is one of my soul’s purposes. As a military veteran, the impact of moral injuries and soul woundings, while not exclusive to us, are real and must be tended to and allowed the opportunity to recover into a new healed form. Part of trauma recovery is reassessing your values, claiming them and putting ourselves back in position to honor them, instead of suffering through perpetual misalignment. Truth is trust. We begin to honor the truth so that we can trust, not fear any longer. More to fill in - I thank you for listening.

 

thoughtfully, xy&